New Caledonia – Apr 17, 2008
Imagine if you will stepping from the most backward-looking, primitive African village onto the welcoming, fragrant byways of, say, Palm Beach’s Worth Avenue and you will pretty much have in your mind the startling transition from Vanuatu to New Caledonia. This place has a powerful and, I have to admit, welcomed Wow! factor. Its road system is thankfully well paved, striped, marked for traffic and pot hole-free. It would be the envy of any U.S. state marred only by the inexplicable French affinity for speed bumps and roundabouts. There are classy restaurants, fine marinas, manicured parks, lovely beaches, a verdant countryside, tres chic shops, and sparkling vistas. We have arrived at the Pacific outpost of the French Riviera, and what a delightful place it is.
In these pages I have sometimes been a touch reproachful of the French, their arrogance and peevishness. But I would here like to pay them their due, to balance the books so to say. The French have given to human civilization some of the highest attainments in the fields of literature, art, philosophy, mathematics and architecture. Descartes, Degas, Renoir, Voltaire, Flaubert and many more have enriched the fine tapestry of intellectual and artistic life and we should be eternally grateful for these contributions. But there is one achievement that stands far above even these, a contribution to modern humanity so lofty that it puts all others in a pale light. I’m sure that as a person of sophisticated and refined taste you will have no trouble agreeing with me that at the very pinnacle stands the French Topless Beach.
To grasp the enormity of this contribution picture in your mind the finest painting imaginable—maybe it’s a particular Renoir or Rembrandt. Its surface is flat, it doesn’t talk to or smile at you, indeed it is entirely inanimate and it is tacked to the wall in a dull, deadly quiet museum. Now for contrast imagine a comely and shapely young lady relaxed supine upon a colorful beach towel, her generously proportioned bare breasts, themselves fine works of art of inexpressible delight, swathed in the sunlight of the Pacific subtropics. Now I ask you, which of these will draw the largest most attentive crowds? At which will aficionados exclaim their approval most enthusiastically? I believe you begin to see the persuasive power of my argument. And best of all New Caledonia is blessed with many of these wondrous beaches, each just waiting for a sunny weekend when enthusiasts can applaud high achievement. It really is a fine island, and its capital city of Noumea just the right antidote for the Kingdom of Tonga.